Efficiency
by MonsterBrat
Summary: [A suicide fic] Because a ninja shouldn’t be so fascinated with something they see everyday.


Because a ninja shouldn't be so fascinated with something they see everyday.

A/N: I'm sorry, I'm just sick of seeing all these suicide fics that have people so fascinated with blood and slashing their wrists like being injured is a brand new and exciting experience, instead of their everyday job. I swear to god, if I read another fic which has Iruka staring at his blood for hours I'll do something… Very Very Bad.

Efficiency

There's no theatrics, no real explanation or prior mutilation. It is a Shinobi's first duty to remain inscrutable to possible enemies, and so he uses his basic infiltration training to convince himself he is not seriously contemplating suicide.

It is a mark of the good Shinobi, this duality of thought; both denying and agreeing at the same time. When he is asked at the office about how he's doing he is hardly lying when he answers "fine, thank you" with a smile. The other voice, the one in the back of his mind that answers "I'm miserable, I'm lonely, my girlfriend just dumped me again and I want to die." Is so completely ignored it convinces itself it doesn't exist.

There is no mutilation, either. No real point in hurting one's self on purpose when it's such a tired act. Nothing truly interesting about blood, he's seen it all before and even someone off duty isn't spared the occasional misplaced kunai to the gut. Wounds become more a chore than a release, to be bandaged and left itching under scruffy uniforms, to be pocked by unsympathetic and curious children and coworkers, mostly to reopen at totally inconvenient times, causing a sharp pain and a loss of valuable time.

So when he decides, finally and certainly, that he wants to die and can't wait a few more years, he does it discreetly. There is no need to go about taking care of his will and testament, like every good little Genin he's kept his affairs in order, periodically having his will reworked to take off the name of a dead person or add a new one.

So he's all set and ready, and sitting in a tree outside because it is less messy, with a seal set to go off in exactly half an hour so the corpse won't fall into enemy hands (just in case, really, he's so close to the village). And the kunai's going straight to the heart.

"Eh, Iruka-sensei, what the hell are you doing?" Kakashi-sensei mutters, holding the hand back easily. He was not in the vicinity when Iruka checked twenty seconds ago, but for a Jounin it is not surprising.

"Trying to commit suicide." Iruka answers, with a hint of annoyance at Kakashi's skill. God damned Jounin, always showing off.

"You can't do that now, the substitute teacher just died," He gives this matter-of-fact lie while scratching his nose lazily through the cloth, "and what's there to commit suicide over anyway? You're acting so childish." He takes the kunai and puts it away in his own pouch after a brief examination, and Iruka is totally annoyed at _his_ weapons being stolen.

Iruka frowns. "Well, for once thing you're always belittling me, and so is everyone else. Besides, it's my own life, I'll do what I like with it." He decides that if Kakashi makes a fuss, he'll simply get a new certificate of psychological fitness for duty to pacify the man, and wait until next month's summer vacation when he's on border patrol.

"It's the village's life, for one, and for another, I'll do what I like too. Become a Jounin if you don't want me to boss you around, sensei." Iruka, furious and blushing at Kakashi pulling rank _now_ of all times, opens his mouth to say something foolish.

"Oi, oi, don't get angry. A jerk like me insulting you's not worth dying over. What are you, five? Lets get ramen together if I make you feel that bad." Kakashi smiles, or Iruka thinks he does because he can only see the one eye becoming a happy arc. He is still angry and most of all tired and damn it all very, very sad, but if he's going to live he might as well do it with ramen.

"It was such an efficient effort, though." Iruka says numbly as he climbs off the tree he had chosen to die on, morosely taking the arm the Jounin offers. "I was really really ready," He signs, "I'll have to deactivate that notification, too…"

For a while, his thoughts drift back to all the things he can look forward to now; an empty apartment, bratty children who grow up to abandon him, hopeless relationships. All of it wrapped nicely in a package of inconsequence.

Kakashi laughs, a sound Iruka's never heard before. "I deactivated it already." he says with a surprisingly good-natured smile, and then when Iruka's turning embarrassed as well as angry, "but it was a good effort. For a Chuunin."

Iruka wants to punch this guy, he hates when people pull rank on him. Would it kill Kakashi to be remorseful for once?

"The thing is, sensei, we're all pretty efficient around here. Don't feel bad, it's just experience. You'll get better at it soon." The way Kakashi says it, light hearted and bright despite the connotations, leaves Iruka feeling half angry at him, half guilty and wondering. He looks at the man's back while he's walking ahead, and thinks hard about how _well_ Jounin hide things.

"What happens when I get better at it?" He asks, and Kakashi laughs again.

"That's why they have the ANBU unit here." He explains.

For a while Iruka contemplates this in silence, looks at the other teacher he's never bothered to get to know and really doesn't care about much. _We're all isolated,_ he thinks unexpectedly.

"You just can't get a break, can you." He finally signs, more annoyed at himself for being so foolish than anything else.

Ahead of him, Kakashi shrugs in half-hearted sympathy.

END

A/N: Ahh.. it ended up being more depressing than it was supposed to be... it started as a parody, honest...  
But then, I thought: in a village of people whose lives all suck beyond measure by normal standards, suicide must be pretty common, right? Would it really be treated as that unusual when everyone in the village are murderers?


End file.
